Today, I realized why I am single and only have about 10 friends.

I have an aversion to people who lack integrity. To me, integrity means do what you say you’re going to do and when you said you were going to do it. If you can’t do it, call/text when you find out and say you can’t. Don’t wait until the last minute or until I text/call you. I don’t even have much patience for people who use the same reason multiple times for not keeping their word. I feel like a total b*tch, but even the “kids”, “work” reasons start to frustrate me after the third time each are used. I see it as a lack of planning, I know sh*t happens, but how many times in 1 month does the same sh*t happen before you decide to be better prepared? How many times do I have to be let down by the same person before I can say, “screw this, I’m out!” I go out of my way to keep my word even if sh*t comes up for me.

I also have an aversion to people who have a loose interpretation with the truth. I hate being lied to, it insults my intelligence. It borderline enrages me. Unlike most people, I won’t overlook these even a little bit. There is no “white lie” in my book. If I ask you if I look fat in these jeans, you don’t have to say yes, you can say “your other jeans look better on you.” There are definitely times where you don’t have to fully disclose everything to everyone. I’m referring to straight up lies.

I don’t have the time nor the desire to try to figure out if you’re going to keep your word or if you are lying to me. If someone is a flaky person or a liar, my big giant mouth and lack of ability to filter just comes out and says something. I usually don’t “think” I am being mean, but truth is when you call someone out for being flaky or lying it can really never be said “nicely.” So, while I may think I said it using kind words, it sucks. Unfortunately, I often wait too long and then just decide the relationship/friendship isn’t something I want in my life anymore. So, I decide to say something knowing I am going to walk away. I walk away with ease because this person is not worth my time.

Then, I pound my head against the wall and wonder why I only have 10 friends. Why can’t I meet a guy/friends who are honest and have integrity. I shed tears as I type this, but yet I refuse, adamantly, to accept that I have to compromise my values of integrity and honesty just so I can be in a relationship or have friends. I am stubborn as f*ck about it. I am not willing to change it.

Often times, I wonder if I could only accept that people lie or people are unreliable, then I could have more friends/a relationship. But how does one reconcile that? Do I just accept a friendship/relationship with someone I don’t trust will do what they say or be honest with me? Do I let it slide so can have a relationship/friendships? It sounds desperate to me. I don’t want dozens of friends; I want quality friends. I don’t want a relationship with a warm body, I want a quality relationship.

I’ve become apprehensive about letting anyone in my life. I don’t want to keep wasting my time on people who will let me down. I typically don’t figure it out for a few months, then I have to start all over again with new people only to find out there is a pattern. I have even resorted to trying to figure out what it is about me that attracts these types of people? What is it that I am doing that makes people behave this way? I’m always up front and honest about my feelings on these two issues and yet these behaviors keep repeating themselves.

At this point, I have officially hit the point of insanity. I am doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. What can I do differently, so I am not forming relationships with these types of people? Am I being completely unreasonable and must just accept that some people are flakes, liars or both? Do I crawl into my sanctuary cave and be happy with being alone most of the time?